This article is an open message to my Muslim brethren, who are about to tie the knot with whom they have chosen to love and spend (possibly) part of the rest of their lives with.
Dear Brother / Sister in Islam,
Assalāmu ʾalaikum waraḥmatullāhi wabarakātuh.
It’s with a great pleasure to write you these humble lines. I pray that you and your family are in the highest state of īmān and the best condition of health. Āmīn.
Among many signs of Allah in His creation of man is that when he (man) grows from childhood, he reaches a time where his human instinct (fiṭrah) dictates that he separates from his parents and siblings whom he has loved and will continue to love dearly, and start a family of his own. Many of us would wish this kind of separation never came to existence. But any call of nature must be responded to. Thus, marriage is a call of nature, which we can’t simply ignore.
Undoubtedly, there’re many exciting days and moments in marriage life, but the most exciting of it is during the period of engagement. I’m confident you are aware that being engaged doesn’t mean you are legally married, nor does it entitle you for rights on each other. No wonder people choose to prolong the period of engagement for years.
Also, the most exciting thoughts regarding marriage, especially during our time (end of time), is all that is related to lust. Thus, we only marry the perceived most attractive person to us. Only a few people takes the trouble to look beyond the physical appearance of the person they intend to marry, and check on their religious commitment, morality and manners. This is human nature. So, if you feel the same, you are not an exception.
However, the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ʿalaihi wasallam, said in a ḥadīth reported by Imām Ibnu Mājah:
أَلا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِخَيْرِ مَا يَكْنِزُ المَرْءُ؟ المَرْأَةُ الصَّالِحَةُ، الَّتِي إِذَا نَظَرَ إِلَيْهَا سَرَّتْهُ، وَإِذَا غَابَ عَنْهَا حَفِظَتْهُ، وَإِذَا أَمَرَهَا أَطَاعَتْهُ
It means “Would you like me to tell you of the best one can possess? A righteous (pious) wife, whom pleases her husband whenever he looks at her, protects him (his dignity) in his absence, and obeys him whenever he orders her.”
It’s worth noting that ‘possession’ here doesn’t mean to own. It rather means to be pleased to have her as a wife. Also, a wife obeys her husband whenever seeks her help, provided he asks for the righteous thing. A wife is not obliged to obey her husband in sinful acts.
The Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ʾalaihi wasallam, also said in another ḥadīth narrated by ʾAbdullāh ibn ʾAmr ibn Al-ʾĀs, raḍiya Allāhu ʾanhuma, and reported by Imām Muslim:
ُالدُّنْيَا مَتَاعٌ وَخَيْرُ مَتَاعِهَا المَرْأَةُ الصَّالِحَة
It means, “The world is but an enjoyment; and the best of its enjoyment is (to have) a pious wife.”
When we look at this ḥadīth from a different angle, we find the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ʾalaihi wasallam, saying: The world is but an enjoyment; and the best of its enjoyment is (to have) a pious husband. Furthermore, piety is not only about praying and fasting. It encompasses the broader aspects of life, i.e., modesty, intellectuality, responsibility, hygiene, and many more.
My dear brother or sister, If you have chosen the person you intend to marry based on the instructions and teachings of the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ʾalaihi wasallam, then be rest assured, that you’ll be living happiness triple the excitement you experienced during your engagement period.
Regardless of the time left before your marriage (wedding), it’s important that you list down your objectives behind your marriage. Don’t just get married because everyone is doing so. That will be the (biggest) mistake of your life. I don’t think you eat and drink because everyone eats and drinks. You should have a goal to achieve out of the marriage. That goal should be that, which pleases Allāh, and not only one’s sexual desires.
Having intercourse (after lawful marriage) is not and should not be a goal one would want to achieve from a marriage. Once you are married, sex comes automatically, I assume. It should be therefore a mean to achieving bigger goal, inshā Allāh.
For example, you can seek to have a good health from your intimate moments with your partner. Good health will allow you to worship Allāh in a better manner. It will make you a good and more productive Muslim. It will grant you the strength to help those who need your help. You can also pray that Allāh makes your offspring that will result from the lawful intimacy blessed ones and good and productive Muslims.
The best goal in addition to the above mentioned, is that your marriage should bring you closer to Allāh, and with that you gain His Ultimate Pleasure, in this life and the next life.
If you are able to achieve that, then you will lead a happy marriage life, inshā Allāh.
A happy marriage life is bound with challenges and hardships. So do expect sweaty times, in addition to the sweet ones. The tests and challenges you will undergo should bring the toughest Muslim personality out of you.
If you are a groom-to-be, ask yourself; whether you want your future daughters to be like the woman you intend to marry? If your answer is positive, then you are likely on the right track. The bride-to-be should also ask herself; whether she wants to have future sons like the man she intends to marry? If her answer is negative, I’m afraid, she is likely making the wrong choice. I’m not talking about financial status, social ranking or physical appearance. I’m talking about religiosity, morality and social responsibility.
The moment you are lawfully married, your responsibility doubles. And it will continue to grow as the family expands with children. However, be rest assured that every family member comes with his provision. Never think that your efforts alone will bring survival into your family. Allah will provide – through you – for you and for all those under your care.
I pray for your happiness. And I wish you a happy marriage life. May Allah bless your marriage and bring you closer to Him, through the marriage ahead of you. Āmīn.
Thank you. Wassalām.
Allāhu Ḥāfiẓ 🙂