Alhamdulillah… Thanks and praises are due to the Almighty Allah who prohibited zina. Peace and blessings are upon the purest man who ever walked on this earth, Sayyidina Muhammad, his household, companions and all those follow his guided path till end of time
This article supplements the 15 Dangers of Zina the Muslim Should Know and the 7 Shields for the Muslim Against Adultery and Fornication. You can read the 15 Dangers here, and the 7 Shields here. Apparently, many brothers and sisters who are tested with the weakness of falling in zina carry, on their shoulders, tons of weight of guiltiness towards their loved ones, especially their spouse (where applicable). The article discusses solutions to this sense of guiltiness. It’s presented according to the following outline:
- Some Undeniable Facts about Zina
- The Challenges One May Face When Trying to Quit Zina
- To Whom Should One Confess?
- Where Does Your Spouse Stand in the Equation?
Some Undeniable Facts About Zina
“Forbidden fruit is sweet.” This statement is true in some situations. But it’s false in other situations. It’s true when we agree that the excitement (sweetness) attained for committing any forbidden act arrives instantly. This is because no sense of responsibility is observed in the process. But it’s also false when we agree that the sweetness of this forbidden vanishes the moment we stop the act. It only lasts as longs as you continue to commit the forbidden act. How long would one spend in the acts of Zina? The only true sweetness that prolongs is the sweetness of Iman and the sweetness of engaging in righteousness and kindness. You feel good whenever Allah reminds you of your good deeds. But we develop regret, and feel ashamed when He reminds us of our wrongdoings.
The sad part of it is that, because Zina is a sin (in fact, a major one) and it is associated with evil whispers, you’re always (evilly) tempted about it. What makes it more tempting is the free access to the world of Zina in the day and time we live today. This is contrary to the past, when you had to put in some effort to find and walk to Zina.
Today, the accessibility to Zina is at our fingertips. In fact, sometimes, we happily, but unknowingly, pay for it, to get ourselves, or our loved ones spoiled by it. Further, the more you run away from it, the more you could be vulnerable to it.
These are some of the realities we can’t deny about zina in our world today. The following are some challenges you may face when trying to quit.
The Challenges One May Face When Trying to Quit Zina
The closer we get to the end of time, the more challenging our challenges (fitnah) become. Sadly, almost everything has been associated with Zina. It’s undeniable that temptations have been highly stirred. Thus, the conservatives and people of morality are provoked more than others.
Nevertheless, no matter how much provoked you are with Zina-related products and items, and no matter how much you’re in a struggle to fight those temptations, those who are already involved in zina are faced with more challenges, especially those looking for ways out.
The common challenge is the sense of guilty developed in the act, regardless of how long (or how many times) one has involved in it.
It’s in the midst of finding a way out that one starts to ask himself, “to whom do I confess?”
To Whom Should One Confess?
Zina is a multi-effect act. It’s leaves negative impact on its committer; male or female. In addition to falling victim to the weakness of committing the forbidden act, and on top of the sense of guilt and remorse he or she might have already developed, he or she may catch with sexual transmitted disease (STD). Once you catch it –may Allah forbid, the possibility of infecting your spouse with it is high.
This is when people start talking about confessions. It’s commonly expressed that, for the married, committing zina is cheating on ones’ spouse, therefore, they call it ‘extra-marital affair.’ But I’m of the opinion that when one commits zina, it’s not cheating on his or her spouse as much as it’s a sin committed.
We can’t cheat God. But breaking His rules is far serious than cheating on anyone else. Also, when a sin is committed, repentance is sought from the Almighty Allah. It’s only He, who can forgive our wrongdoings. If He’s not forgiving us, none is in the position to hold our hands to happiness and salvation.
Are we forgiven by God when our spouses allowed or close eyes on us committing zina? In other words, does zina become permissible for us if –God forbid, our spouses allow us to be engaged in it?
The point here is, confession is worth making only when the one, to whom you’re confessing has the authority to solve your problem, forgive you and forget about your past. The only one who solves our problems and forgives our sins is the Almighty Allah. Therefore, make your confessions to Him. Confessions made to humans, i.e. on confession pages normalize sins and encourage us to committing more sins, rather than abstaining from them.
What About One’s Spouse?
Unless STD/STI is involved where the committer of zina has caught it and has, probably, infected his spouse with it, I don’t see the need for you to confess about your sins to your spouse. This is so, if your wrongdoing was committed while you were married to your spouse. Let alone if it’s a history of past.
This is not a ticket and approval that you can involve in zina or continue with it. I hope no misunderstanding takes place here.
You have the right to love and compassion from your spouse, but not at the expense of your value and self-worth. Likewise, your spouse has the right to love and compassion from you, but not at the expense of his or her self-worth. Confessing to our spouse about our sins may seem and sound romantic. It may imply loyalty and faithfulness. But the otherwise is true. This means, sins that are divinely determined and categorized as such are affairs between God and us. They’re not affairs between us and our parents, let alone our spouses.
Parents can only guide their children and help them grow above sins, as much as possible. They are not judges upon them when they (the children) fall to their weakness. Likewise, spouses are to help each other to safeguard ourselves against sins, including Zina, but they’re not God upon each other to demand confessions.
Moreover, Trough my conversations with victims of zina, I’ve learnt that, your spouse may ‘forgive you’, but they will never forget it. And that will certainly affect your marriage life. You’re not an angle, and neither is your spouse. Seek means to love each other. Do so by living the present, not the past. Do so by basing on the known, not by basing on the unknown. This world is a very scary place and a very unpleasant place to live, if the unknown is to be made known and all secrets are to be revealed.
This is to say, although it’s a major sin committed, and since Allah has given you privacy and covered you, do not expose yourself and reveal your secret. If He chooses to who expose you, that could be one of the ways He wants to punish you.
Having said that, if you break your spouse’s property, or cause loss to his or her business, don’t cover up or make up stories to accuse others. Be honest and tell the truth. This is your spouse’s right, but not necessarily God’s. This is where and when confessions and admitting are commended.
What If Your Spouse Finds Out About Your Sin?
There’re many ways Allah punishes us for our sins. Among them is to expose us, sooner or later. Thus, if your spouse finds out, that could be just one of the ways He wants to punish you. But, calm down and treat it as an internal family affair. Yes, an internal family issue, but just between you and your spouse.
Don’t involve your parents or siblings. Also don’t entertain your in-laws’ intervention. Of course, with due respect. In fact, your parents or in-laws can only interfere in an issue like this, if one of you has shared it with them. Isn’t it so?
I have to emphasis the importance of keeping your internal affairs from your parents and in-laws, more so from your friends. Try to solve your problems by yourselves. This is because, the more you involve others in your family matters, the more your problems go unsolved.
There’s no way committing zina can be justified or applauded. Once something is divinely prescribed as ḥarām means it’s ḥarām. It shall remain as such until another divine intervention replaces it with otherwise. No philosophical arguments can make it ḥalāl.
However, it should be understood that it’s our human weakness (of course, including choices in life) that leads us to committing zina. Therefore, when we fall victims to our own weakness, we need to seek His guidance, strength and forgiveness. Revealing it to our fellow human beings helps not, but to render us helpless and ashamed.
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Allah knows best.
Allāhu Hafiz 🙂